Any port in a storm

It's nice to spend a weekend by the seaside: the bracing sea breeze; the fresh fish; building sandcastles. I did none of these things. I was staying in a lovely modern development in Portsmouth. It really did have everything going for it: I stayed in a Holiday Inn Express, which is like a Holiday Inn, only less comfortable; it was only a complex of outlet stores; and it had numerous trendy (chain) gastro-bars and the like.
To be fair, the complex was OK, but only between 9am and 11am, and 6pm and 7pm. At all other times it was overrun by either chavs (families during the day, neanderthal men and slappers in ill-fitting miniskirts at night) and hen groups. It makes you proud to be British. Actually, it makes me glad that I live in London, where at least not everybody is dressed in tracksuit bottoms and Burberry headgear (and there is some racial diversity).
Still, I walked away with a leather jacket, a pair of shoes (reduced from £135 to £35 - what kind of man spends £135 on leather Camper clones?), a pair of trousers, a couple of shirts (one later found to have a slit in it; I'm sure it wasn't there when I bought it. Perculiar), a belt and a pair of football boots (reduced from £110; comment as before). For less than £300. And I walked around HMS Victory. Literally. I wasn't paying to actually go onto it. Hell, I've been on it before, about 20 years ago. (Jesus, that makes me feel old.)

So why was I in Portsmouth? Well, it was a wedding. The last of the season, unless i get a rush invite to another. And the one at which both the bride and groom actually seemed to enjoy it. Properly enjoy it, that is; not just walked around with a perma-smile and eyes saying 'get me away from all this...' Everything went without a hitch (well, apart from the obvious one) and, in a stroke of genius, the reception was held on another warship. In fact, the only disappointment of the whole evening was discovering that the cannons were made of fibreglass. And the cannonballs were not solid iron.
And, because we weren't invited for the meal, we got to hang around chav central suited and stylish, much to the confusion/amusement of the locals. We left before we got beaten up. What a wheeze.